Would you please stop that? Ma'am? Thank you.

"ohhh. otay."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sCL_AATSv4

My trip home today on the loser cruiser reminded me of a MadTV skit where
Miss Swan is on an airplane and proceeds to annoy the sanity out of those seated near her in economy class. We watched it the other day at work, one of those days where instead of working hard we were hardly working.

My hearing aids were turned off as they normally are when I am the bus on my way to or from work - this keeps the noise levels at a comfortable level and it also helps me avoid the weirdos who try to make conversation, they see the hearing aids and assume I am deaf, not that I am ignoring them. Love these things. Some like to call it selective hearing, I call it peace and quiet. See there's benefits to being'impaired'.

Normally I would also have my eyes closed, most people do this to rest their eyes or catch up on some needed sleep missed the night before, I however do it so the perv standing in front of me doesn't think I am staring at his crotch and the woman beside him, her ass. But today on my way home was different. I was seated near the front of the bus, a miracle in itself to even get the chance to sit and though my hearing aids were off I could see the 'NEXT STOP' light on the ceiling to the right of me blinking on and then off, on, off, on, off, on, off. I knew it had to be one of three things : a child having a field day while mum or dad was unaware; a malfunction of the bell system or an aloof passenger leaning against the bell located at hip level for those in wheelchairs trying to stay out of everyone's way. The bus was far too full for me to see through the bodies to see if in fact someone was triggering the bell unbeknownst to them. I could see heads start to turn as the bell would ring and the light illuminate with every movement of the bus. Was someone playing games? Did they think this was FUNNY? Well I did - I tried my darndest to stifle my laughter as I imagined the bus driver giving way to his ticks of annoyance everytime the light flickered. I could see his reflection in the rear-view mirror trying to find the culprit, but it was fruitless, too many bodies. I heard a muffled announcement so I quickly turned my WHISPER 2000 aids on to hear "...if you could KNOCK IT OFF, I would appreciate it. And if anyone is aware of who is doing this, kindly come up to the front and tell me. Thank you." His obvious threat of bodily harm seemed to do little good as the bell continued to ring and light-up at every bump, turn and lurch. One person hollered at the driver to 'STOP THE BUS!! You missed my stop!" Only for the driver to slam on his brakes and retort back " How do I know when someone wants to get off, the jokester wants to get off at every stop."
This was all becoming too funny. It was clear there were no children on the bus and certainly someone would have glared the prankster into stopping the nonsense but still it continued. It could only mean one thing, and sure enough as the bus stopped to let another passenger off, people shifted to make room and there I saw her, the unsuspecting woman leaning against the bell with a worried look on her face.
The driver was still mad as hell that noone would fess up to the dirty deed and I didn't want to embarass the lady by hollering at her to please "step away from the bell". I was given a chance to approach her discreetly as a frail elderly woman stepped onto the bus; I immediately offered up my seat and went to the offending woman and explained that she was in fact the one to blame. I felt badly for her with an embarassed look on her face, one mixed with disbelief that she was the one causing the bus- driver to pop his anxiety pills, and the other passengers to curse under their breath. Sure enough she realized it was indeed her. The driver practically kicked us all off the bus once we approached the station. I swore the bus was still moving when he opened the doors.