Operation Eden

Operation Eden

Clayton is still going at it - using his gift to help his Mom and little brother and thousands like them recover from the wrath Katrina left behind a year ago.

I'm glad Bush is there. I'm glad he is walking past the homes still left barely standing, walking past the people crying softly while sitting on the front steps of what used to be their homes. I hope his breath is caught as he walks past the thousand plus candles lit in memory of those who could not make it out.

My friend Suseh used her vacation time from work to take a trip to Mississippi a month ago to help Habitat for Humanity build houses. When she came back home, she was sick and dead tired and she said she felt as though she had worked so hard and yet accomplished so little - the work left to do is unthinkable. Barely a dent has been made in the devastation still left behind.

I am on the fence about this one year anniversary coverage that all the networks are devoting their time time to - while of course it is needed to remind the world that Katrina may be long gone but NOLA is still trying to pick up, I can't help but get past the feeling that it is boosting their ratings. Instead, I look to Clayton and others like him who have devoted their efforts and honesty and personal connections to document what is really going on.

For those of who who read my blog, if I haven't already convinced you to look at Clayton's photos, please do so - it's good to get a healthy dose of reality and pull the heartstrings.

Fountain of Youth contained in an Ass's teet - who knew?

World's oldest woman, Maria Esther de Capovilla, dead at 116

Born on Sept. 14, 1889 - the same year as Charlie Chaplin and Adolf Hitler - Capovilla traced her lineage to Spanish nobility, but enjoyed drinking donkey milk in her youth.

Interesting. ( can someone please fill me in on the relevance of the above sentence? Spanish nobility, donkey milk - I says pardon?)

Yes, Mrs. de Capovilla was the world's oldest woman on record - remembering of course that there could very well be many other cryptkeepers like herself amongst us; back in the day everything was documented by chiseling into stone tablets, so it's not easy to produce the proper documents and identification to prove one's true age and not just the one when everyone forgot to keep count. "You're how old again Aunt Agnes?" "Who? ME? Bah, I been long and dead years ago, I just came for supper."

Hmm, I wonder if Mrs. de Capovilla would get carded at the liquor store....

Anyway, yes so obviously in getting with the times, wallets decreased in size to accomodate the new pocket size I.D. cards and the engraved stones were far too heavy to lug around in one's back pocket let alone to fit in a leather billfold or purse, and stone was a commodity back in the day too, I'm sure of it. Bartering was the way they did it back then, they traded donkeys for stone, and donkeys were expensive! And imagine what a pain in the ass ( ooops, hehehe pun intended) it would have been to bring your donkey in for some rock, only to have no donkey to drag it home for you? Yes, those were trying times. Now today, you can definitely barter a piece of your own ass for 'rock', in fact we have a name for it : CRACK HO.
But Mrs. de Capovilla was lucky. She didn't need to trade in her ass for rock, no her family could afford proper identification and she was fortunate enough to have been able to preserve it all these years. So what did she do with all her donkeys you might ask? She kept them for her cereal in the morning! How do you suppose she got so bloody old?

Now THAT's a kick to the ball sack!

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Portobello West!

Oh I can foresee saying farewell to my hard-earned cash on the last Sunday of every month when this UBERcool market takes place at the Plaza of Nations!
The exhibitors list alone gives me goosebumps! One doesn't have to go trekking all over Vancouver to find all the unique styles and designs of local homegrown artisans and designers, instead they will congregate one day out of the month to show off their wares!

I am done for!
I wish I could have gone out to the very first market today, but conveniently one will be happening on my birthday weekend next month - oh yes, oh yes.

Kinda makes me think I should get in on the action and put my creative side to some use - maybe make some $ on the side. Oh but to make money you have to spend money and well all these other creative folks who already spent their money are now getting mine! Oh! The INSANITY!

Strange Dreams

I had a dream last night that my sisters and I woke our Mom up from her death. I don't remember exactly HOW we did that, because she was cremated and well that would take an awful long time putting her back together again. What I do remember, however, is that she wasn't quite finished healing, as if when you get to heaven there is a process that takes a duration of time in order for your new body to come to fruition, instead of the INSTANT renewal I'm sure we all imagine. She was groggy, and quiet, a bit ticked off like we all are first thing in the morning when we have to go to work and the only place we want to be is snuggled under the warm covers again. We tried to converse with her and make up for lost time but she was having no part of it. In fact it reminded me of how she was just days before she died, delirious from her pain meds and in and out of consciousness. In the dream it made us uncomfortable to be so selfish to keep her from healing properly for our own selfish wants to have our Mom back again, so we did what we had done when she was alive and in so much pain, we told her to go home to heaven, that it was ok and that we loved her. And just like that, she was gone.

Sometimes at night I hear her calling my name like she used to do to wake me up for school.
Scares the hell out of me sometimes but I like it.

When the odds of winning the lottery are not enough

So in my ongoing quest to gain more money to pay off my debts and live a half decent life I have decided to join a lottery pool with the three other co-workers; for $2 every friday I give myself four chances at winning millions, unfortunately we are up against the rest of the country. Thankfully the population of Canada is not nearly the size of the US, but that means our jackpot is not the grandeur sweepstakes that is the US lotto, however for this same reason I have a better chance of winning than say, Ms.Jane Doe of Springfield, Illinois.

I realize of course that my chances of hitting the jackpot are are slim to none and that I am potentially wasting my pocket change (ok so loonies and toonies can amount to some decent cash if saved up, but that takes too long) and of course should the planets and stars align in my favour and I do get lucky, I still have to split my winnings amongst the three others; still, that adds up to a whole lot of loonies and toonies and hat would pay off my ever-growing credit cards bills, pay my rent and send me to school!
It's been suggested to me that I get a part-time job on the side, or be creative - well prostitution is out of the question and what the hell can I make that would gain me some padding in my wallet? Sure I am creative and can come up with some decent artwork if I can get past my perfectionist tendencies and actually finish what I start.
Fresh out of ideas, I figure gambling is my best bet(no pun intended). Loan sharks are hungry and looking for fresh blood according to the newspapers these days- people are going missing and they just so happen to be gamblers with more to lose than they are worth and apparently dial-a-dope crack dealers are making a KILLING! But see, crack dealers are slime balls and I would hate to be one of them - I just want money, I don't want to ruin people's lives in the process.

Apparently it's not just me who's out to strike it rich; even the old people are all lined up at the lotto kiosks in the mall, camping out at the food court tables scratching their lives away. This morning on the way to work I was reading the daily free crappy newspaper that everyone gets hit in the head with pushy vendors and after reading the Employment section I read more about high school drug pushers and the governments feeble attempts at dealing with payday-loan type businesses and the glories of being a loan shark here in this gambling addicted region. It was there on the third page in I read a short quip in the top right hand corner about two old bitties in California, who appeared to be frustrated at their own financial stresses and saw little chance of winning the US Jackpot, decided to kill a couple of homeless guys for a few million bucks. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? Brilliant.
Old people are not as sweet and delicate as they appear. These two old bags were a tag team and devised a plan to befriend two transients and convince them to be signed onto the old bitties insurance. After all was said and done and everyone was had by two old tricksters, the ladies then ran over both homeless persons, dragging them to their deaths. I'm sure this didn't all happen in one day, which makes it even more sick to think both women did not have the conscience or heart to feel badly for what they were doing and were about to do.
Needless to say, it didn't work. Both homeless persons are now dead and two old women are in the slammer with their big fat debts still haunting them.

Cross that plan off the list then, back to the drawing board.

* I will find out tomorrow for sure if I have won anything. In the meantime I am off for a weekend island getaway, a little fun in the sun with my sisters and cousins - the forecast calls for great fun to be had under the sun, should be a good time. We just hope the seagulls don't drop their loads on our tummies as we bake on the beach.

My Love Hate Relationship with YouTube

I have been debating whether or not to get a bikini wax or even the full-on brazilian, however after viewing this video clip I now know I probably will never get that wax nor can I trust YouTube ever again.
Damn You, YouTube. Damn You.

Don't touch my Keith's or I will have to kill you.

I knew this was going to happen. My roommate stole one of my beers. Roomie, who is eligible for the senior's discount, frequents the local beer and wine store far more than I do. Her beer of choice is Rickard's Red, and while I like that one I much prefer my Keith's. See? I even put a possessive in front it : MY Keith's. I love this beer, and I hate beer-moochers.

I hate to be the bad guy who shows up at a party or get-together without libation in tow. Sure it's offered, 'oh go and grab a beer from the fridge' but it's an unofficial one-time only invitation. After that, you risk your reputation, your own future beer stock and even possibly, your life.

It happened before - roomie snagged one of my beers without informing me or asking. I had gone into the fridge to grab it, only to find I was grabbing at thin air. I go and check the empties and inventory tells me I should have one left and before I could second guess myself whether I had already drank it, there Roomie stood in front of me with my beer in her hand . " Oh, I took your last beer, hope you don't mind."

heh. old bag.

What was I going to say ? I couldn't be so low and trivial and have a tantrum about my last beer. No, instead I remembered that the chances were good of her coming home the next day with a case, and I would swipe one without her knowing. Sure enough I did just that and she never said anything, but it would figure that it would backfire on me; now she has taken it upon herself to go ahead and take my beers in the future.

Tonight after I had come home I quietly snuck into the apartment and placed my case of bottles in the fridge ever so carefully without making a noise - they were still in the plain white plastic bag so not to give away the contents, tucked away safely near the back of the fridge on the bottom shelf.

Sure enough an hour later I heard a knock on my door, it was Roomie in her sickening syrupy sweet voice asking if she could have just ONE beer.

I stomped and jumped up and down and cursed under my breath and then composed myself " Sure! Go right ahead! I hope you like it!"

God I'm such a wimp.

"It's a FREE Country!" - or is it?

I witnessed the most bizarre argument this evening, which is saying a lot considering I hail from a town of yahoos and public fights are a normal occurence.

They were already sitting there waiting for the bus when I came, just two teenagers 'in love'. She was sitting on his lap, they both weren't speaking and I thought nothing of it; enter stage left, an elderly lady who lives near me in another apartment makes her way into the shelter and sits beside the lovebirds. I was making some phone calls on my cell to help pass the time and I had turned around momentarily to check my surroundings only to see the two kids now completely engaged in a heavy make-out session. She was standing in front of him as he stayed seated and his head was lost in her chest while his hands groped her behind. Obviously this took me by surprise but the look on the lady's face made me tell my sister on the phone I was going to have to call her back later.

Now I know this older lady to be quite pleasant; her voice is soft and almost child-like and her hair is always done immaculately, twisted in a coil and positioned on top of her head and her blouses are always buttoned up to her chin. She walks slowly with the aid of her cane but always wears pumps with a two inch heel. Everyone knows her and they greet her because they can expect the same in return. I have to admit that just her presence and likeability makes her almost 'grandmotherish' even to a stranger and so the urge was there to get the kids to behave while in her presence. Before I could even think of how to I was going to approach them about toning it down a notch there she was with her cane waving in the air " You two oughtta be ashamed! Look at the both of you carrying on without a care in the world. Why you, young lady have barely got any clothing on at all and here you are displaying your 'ass'ets to everyone on Columbia Street! The NERVE! Teenagers these days, they all want to be Hollywood."

I thought for sure the two kids would be so embarassed at being scolded by a complete stranger in public for their sexual antics that they would stop and be on their merry way, but would you believe the girl actually got up in front of the lady's face and challenged her to fight? She was excessively rude hurling a string of obscenities the old lady's way, telling her that she was old and decrepit, cranky and ugly and not with the 'times'. She even pulled my favourite talk-show teenager line " You don't know me! Who are you to judge me, you don't know me!" The old lady's response was "Why would I want to know you? There's nothing to know, it's all right here for my eyes to see, and I don't want to know a two-bit whore." Well that last comment just added more fuel to the fire.

It never went anywhere, even with my own attempts at backing the old lady up in her arguments. I told the kids that it was disrespectful not only to her but also to me and I said it wouldn't be something they would want to brag about that they got into an argument with an elderly person. Hardly something to boast about.
The girl returned my comments with her bold statements " If someone wants to start sh*t with me, I throw the sh*t back. I don't give a f*ck if it's some old hag, I'll bring it if that's what they are looking for. It's a free f*cking country - didn't you know lady, this is CANA-DUH, we can do whatever the f*ck we want."
I was sure this lady was thinking her husband fought in the war so that this girl could get it on in public without any regard for others. I just hope she didn't think it was all pointless.

Would you believe that this lady then started to get on my case for revealing too much of my own 'goods' once we were seated on the bus and discussing what had just transpired. She did it in her not so subtle way and I did my best not to look as though her comment affected me, but humbled, I pulled my shirt up a little higher when she got up to exit the bus.
She was still muttering to herself and waving her cane in the air as she walked to her building. Poor old girl, I hope she can sleep tonight and learn to pick her battles in the future, some are futile.

Would you please stop that? Ma'am? Thank you.

"ohhh. otay."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sCL_AATSv4

My trip home today on the loser cruiser reminded me of a MadTV skit where
Miss Swan is on an airplane and proceeds to annoy the sanity out of those seated near her in economy class. We watched it the other day at work, one of those days where instead of working hard we were hardly working.

My hearing aids were turned off as they normally are when I am the bus on my way to or from work - this keeps the noise levels at a comfortable level and it also helps me avoid the weirdos who try to make conversation, they see the hearing aids and assume I am deaf, not that I am ignoring them. Love these things. Some like to call it selective hearing, I call it peace and quiet. See there's benefits to being'impaired'.

Normally I would also have my eyes closed, most people do this to rest their eyes or catch up on some needed sleep missed the night before, I however do it so the perv standing in front of me doesn't think I am staring at his crotch and the woman beside him, her ass. But today on my way home was different. I was seated near the front of the bus, a miracle in itself to even get the chance to sit and though my hearing aids were off I could see the 'NEXT STOP' light on the ceiling to the right of me blinking on and then off, on, off, on, off, on, off. I knew it had to be one of three things : a child having a field day while mum or dad was unaware; a malfunction of the bell system or an aloof passenger leaning against the bell located at hip level for those in wheelchairs trying to stay out of everyone's way. The bus was far too full for me to see through the bodies to see if in fact someone was triggering the bell unbeknownst to them. I could see heads start to turn as the bell would ring and the light illuminate with every movement of the bus. Was someone playing games? Did they think this was FUNNY? Well I did - I tried my darndest to stifle my laughter as I imagined the bus driver giving way to his ticks of annoyance everytime the light flickered. I could see his reflection in the rear-view mirror trying to find the culprit, but it was fruitless, too many bodies. I heard a muffled announcement so I quickly turned my WHISPER 2000 aids on to hear "...if you could KNOCK IT OFF, I would appreciate it. And if anyone is aware of who is doing this, kindly come up to the front and tell me. Thank you." His obvious threat of bodily harm seemed to do little good as the bell continued to ring and light-up at every bump, turn and lurch. One person hollered at the driver to 'STOP THE BUS!! You missed my stop!" Only for the driver to slam on his brakes and retort back " How do I know when someone wants to get off, the jokester wants to get off at every stop."
This was all becoming too funny. It was clear there were no children on the bus and certainly someone would have glared the prankster into stopping the nonsense but still it continued. It could only mean one thing, and sure enough as the bus stopped to let another passenger off, people shifted to make room and there I saw her, the unsuspecting woman leaning against the bell with a worried look on her face.
The driver was still mad as hell that noone would fess up to the dirty deed and I didn't want to embarass the lady by hollering at her to please "step away from the bell". I was given a chance to approach her discreetly as a frail elderly woman stepped onto the bus; I immediately offered up my seat and went to the offending woman and explained that she was in fact the one to blame. I felt badly for her with an embarassed look on her face, one mixed with disbelief that she was the one causing the bus- driver to pop his anxiety pills, and the other passengers to curse under their breath. Sure enough she realized it was indeed her. The driver practically kicked us all off the bus once we approached the station. I swore the bus was still moving when he opened the doors.

Permission

Whose permission would you need to get married to the person you love?

Is it Friday yet?

Well here I am back at work after a long weekend; it was BC Day, not Canada Day as I am sure many Americans may have thought - but then again I bet they didn't even blink when it was Canada Day, three days before July 4th, but thanks anyway.

I don't have a lunch because rent broke me and it's starting to rain. The sun was shining when I left home this morning so naturally I didn't bring a jacket and an umbrella would have been of zero use to me unless it was for self-defense - little did I know at the time; so as you can see my day so far is not off to a good start - and it's only Tuesday.
You might be thinking "Relax, at least it's Tuesday and not Monday!", well that is exactly where the problem lies. When the calendar calls for the weekend to be a long one, we all jump for joy at the chance to sleep in on Monday but we forget so easily to read the small print where it promises us that the next four days are going to be long and grueling, and it NEVER, EVER fails. Go ahead and try to find it in your pin-up girls, exotic get-away locales and cuddly animal calendars, sure enough it will heed this little warning.

So I am debating whether or not we should even have these long weekends in the first place - I mean sure they are there in place to commemorate events such as Rememberance Day and hey don't the Brits actually celebrate a day where some dude named Guy Fawkes tried to burn down the Parliament Buildings? I realized after they were celebrating the fact that he got nailed for doing it, not praising him for trying - but hey they are English, they're funny like that.
Regardless, I don't know if an extended weekend is worth the extended week that follows... now if we would all just join together and call for the abolishment of long weekends maybe my voice will be heard.

anyone with me?

Hello? Those buggers took an extra day off - why didn't I think of that? DAMMIT!

TGIF- Freaky Friday - The Naked Nerd#links

TGIF- Freaky Friday - The Naked Nerd#links

If you're not asleep by 9:40am Saturday morning, then it's still Friday for you and this post is still valid.
Stumbled on this guy through some other yahoo - who was it? Can't remember, probably a Canuck though.

Love is Electric : For Sarah

Hey Sarah,

This is for you.

I believe you know what to do with it.

Don't worry about target practice, it's amazing the accuracy of our aim when the object is so irritating and thoughtless.

Have fun, and don't get too carried away - let him suffer a little.

Letter to Kotex

This was written by another ticked-off woman and though I don't buy Kotex products myself, I have had to use them and well, the sentiment is still true!

An email to Feminine Products Providers

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner
had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.
Annoying advice such as:

-Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.

-Avoiding caffeine
may help reduce cramps and headaches.

-Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to
keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.

-Try Kotex blah, blah, blah other products

Obviously the person behind this was someone who has
never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.

Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her
feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guarantee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look... females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful"
stuff like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many of which contain alcohol. Printing out advice while sneaking in
ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to
send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd
like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy stuff to your products
or the packaging. Put it in a plain brown wrapper so we can
throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer! There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.

The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including at the point of purchase. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're
doing it!)

Ovarily Yours,

Miss PMS