Sept. 18th, 2005

Mom, is Heaven a stranger place than the world you left behind?

It's been just over 6 months now since she died.
I don't think I have ever seen 6 months sail past me as quickly as it has - I realize they say that time flies when you get older, and I agree, but like this? As always, I am thinking of my Mom; reminiscing about life as a child following my Mom everywhere she went, mimicing her every move, her laugh, her expressions and sayings.

A few years ago if someone had told me I was a spitting image of her I would have cried 'shenanigans!' But this is a comfort to me today, when my biggest fear is losing what I have left of her. It was hard to go through her clothing and belongings and give them away without protesting and storing everything in my closet - not only do I not have room for all of it, but it cannot be healthy if I am unable to let go of a material object. One thing for sure, I don't know that I am so happy to see my aunt, her sister visiting us wearing everything that once belonged to my Mom. She does not do it on purpose, and if not for lack of clothing, maybe because my mom had better fashion sense! ( ha! she'd smack me for saying that about my aunt and then say I was Bang on!); but it feels as though someone is trying to take her place, and my Mother was solid gold, valuable in every sense of the word and completely irreplaceable.

I have many questions circulating now about where she is... and will I ever see her again. I do not want to hear another soul tell me she is in a better place, and that we will be reunited again one day. That is no comfort to me. But I cannot keep worrying about these details or questions because it only brings upon more doubt and right now I need to feel sure and so I thank God for not making her endure the pain for long and instead I look at her photos and remember her expressions and imagine her laughter - and that is comfort to me.